"Grenade" by Bruno Mars

Grenade Well, Bruno Mars is a GREAT performer, a GREAT singer and has one of the most killin’ bands of any pop artist….ever. If you saw his halftime show, it's quite evident the man is talented. Lyrics on the other hand, are not his strong point. I said that I would go after “Gorilla” this week, but unfortunately there are more pressing matters. Since I completely forgot about “Grenade” I have to apologize and together we need to immediately tear this song apart. Let’s begin…. What are things that really make a song good? The answers are almost endless and subjective, however, much like a good painting or movie or book you can’t just take a dump on a blank canvas and call it a masterpiece. There are rules to what makes something good that the artist must be aware of, and then utilize, or tastefully break them. The lyrics to this song indicate Bruno has definitely spent more time honing his performance chops and his productions value than his actual lyrics.

Easy come, easy go
That's just how you live, oh
Take, take, take it all
But you never give
Should've known you was trouble
From the first kiss
Had your eyes wide open
Why were they open?

Ok, you’ve got a selfish woman on you hand, I’m with you so far and oh….wait, you lost me. Her eyes were open from the first kiss? Um…question? Dear Bruno: How did you know HER eyes were open, unless YOUR eyes were open as well? Did you get retinal implants? Someone call Tom Cruise! Let’s do a sequel to Minority Report featuring Bruno Mars! Also why would a woman’s eyes being open when she kissed you be an indicator of her being trouble? Some people like to see the other person as they kiss them, unless this is their expression:



Gave you all I had
And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked
'Cause what you don't understand is...

“Tossed it in the trash” - not the most original lyric. One pretty significant aspect of a good songwriter is that they generally try to make an original song that avoid cliches and presents fresh and original material that draws from their own experiences. There are many ways to dive more into the actual experience and give an original take on the way that she “tossed your love in the trash” but with this pants shitting-ly bad chorus coming up, ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat.

I'd catch a grenade for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I'd jump in front of a train for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)
You know I'd do anything for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Oh, I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes, I would die for you, baby
But you won't do the same

Well let’s start with line one: You’d catch a grenade for her? Well, unless you are dating someone who has a condition where she needs to stay 50 feet away, both of them are going be blown to pieces, so good luck with both splattering everywhere. Also, I understand the sentiment, “I’d do anything for you, even if I got hurt”, but dude, are you taking her on a date in a war-torn part of Iraq?

Next: What effing situation requires you to throw your hand on a blade in order to save someone? “No baby don’t touch that knife, here let me impale my hand with it, just to make sure you are extra safe!” And if the point wouldn't be to save her, just slice your hand off with a knife to show your love, then I would love to hear a hypothetical situation where THIS genius move would win over anyone's heart. Van Gogh kind of tried something like this a while back, it didn't work so well.... here's THAT freakish story.



Jump in front of a train for you? Hmm….again, WHY!?!?! The only situation I can think of where jumping in front of a train would actually save someone’s life would be if you were Hancock and were basically an indestructible god, in which case you would also be killing pretty much everyone in the front car of the train instead of the girl, you selfish douche bag.

No, no, no, no
Black, black, black and blue
Beat me 'til I'm numb
Tell the devil I said "Hey" when you get back to where you're from
Mad woman, bad woman
That's just what you are
Yeah, you'll smile in my face then rip the brakes out my car

“Mad woman, bad woman” - Eh…..here are some examples of how some great songwriters of the past have said “this woman sucks” but much, much better than mad woman, bad woman. (Im pretty Dr. Suess has actually come up with something a little deeper than this line)

“She’s a black magic woman” - Peter Green “Black Magic Woman”

“I said, baby, do you have no shame? She just looked at me, uncomprehendingly, like cows at a passing train” - Don Henley, “If Dirt Were Dollars”

“Flea brain, got a hole in her head. If she wasn't good looking, she'd be better off dead” - Gene Vincent, “Flea Brain”

And back to Bruno; maybe “you’ll smile TO my face”…because “smiling in my face” paints a Hannibal-esque picture of cutting open someones face and popping your head inside and smiling. How else would you smile “in” someone’s face? Ok, ok, Bruno, you have had dealt with enough. Go sell another 10,000,000 albums while a few secretly jealous internet bloggers make fun of your lyrics.

And now, the best part. Be prepared to sing this OUT LOUD. Don’t hum it, don’t think it. Seriously, give it your ALL. NATIONAL ANTHEM STYLE. It doesn’t matter if you are at Panera Bread or at PAX river base wasting your boss’ time by being on Facebook and reading this instead of prevent terrorist threats. Sing this aloud. Ready? Keep the original melody to the chorus and sing the following words. Loud and proud. Your day will be amazing.

I’d give myself AIDS for ya
Inject some poo in my veins for ya
I would rape David Spade for ya
You know I’d eat dirty tape for ya
Take a Dremel right into my ain
Make out with Susan Boyle’s va-jain
Yeah I would die for you baby
Why won’t you clean my doody stains?


Now that you’ve just lost your job and scared the old lady sitting next to you, write your own horrifying and ridiculous words to this chorus in the comments below!

Next Post: The post will be up to you!! Whatever song or artist get’s the most responses from YOU, the readers, I will write unmercifully about. So who is it gonna be? Black Eyed Peas? Lady Gaga? The Beibs? You pick. I’m only going for the artist that indisputably gets the most posts about so think hard!