"Grenade" by Bruno Mars

Grenade Well, Bruno Mars is a GREAT performer, a GREAT singer and has one of the most killin’ bands of any pop artist….ever. If you saw his halftime show, it's quite evident the man is talented. Lyrics on the other hand, are not his strong point. I said that I would go after “Gorilla” this week, but unfortunately there are more pressing matters. Since I completely forgot about “Grenade” I have to apologize and together we need to immediately tear this song apart. Let’s begin…. What are things that really make a song good? The answers are almost endless and subjective, however, much like a good painting or movie or book you can’t just take a dump on a blank canvas and call it a masterpiece. There are rules to what makes something good that the artist must be aware of, and then utilize, or tastefully break them. The lyrics to this song indicate Bruno has definitely spent more time honing his performance chops and his productions value than his actual lyrics.

Easy come, easy go
That's just how you live, oh
Take, take, take it all
But you never give
Should've known you was trouble
From the first kiss
Had your eyes wide open
Why were they open?

Ok, you’ve got a selfish woman on you hand, I’m with you so far and oh….wait, you lost me. Her eyes were open from the first kiss? Um…question? Dear Bruno: How did you know HER eyes were open, unless YOUR eyes were open as well? Did you get retinal implants? Someone call Tom Cruise! Let’s do a sequel to Minority Report featuring Bruno Mars! Also why would a woman’s eyes being open when she kissed you be an indicator of her being trouble? Some people like to see the other person as they kiss them, unless this is their expression:



Gave you all I had
And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked
'Cause what you don't understand is...

“Tossed it in the trash” - not the most original lyric. One pretty significant aspect of a good songwriter is that they generally try to make an original song that avoid cliches and presents fresh and original material that draws from their own experiences. There are many ways to dive more into the actual experience and give an original take on the way that she “tossed your love in the trash” but with this pants shitting-ly bad chorus coming up, ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat.

I'd catch a grenade for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I'd jump in front of a train for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)
You know I'd do anything for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Oh, I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes, I would die for you, baby
But you won't do the same

Well let’s start with line one: You’d catch a grenade for her? Well, unless you are dating someone who has a condition where she needs to stay 50 feet away, both of them are going be blown to pieces, so good luck with both splattering everywhere. Also, I understand the sentiment, “I’d do anything for you, even if I got hurt”, but dude, are you taking her on a date in a war-torn part of Iraq?

Next: What effing situation requires you to throw your hand on a blade in order to save someone? “No baby don’t touch that knife, here let me impale my hand with it, just to make sure you are extra safe!” And if the point wouldn't be to save her, just slice your hand off with a knife to show your love, then I would love to hear a hypothetical situation where THIS genius move would win over anyone's heart. Van Gogh kind of tried something like this a while back, it didn't work so well.... here's THAT freakish story.



Jump in front of a train for you? Hmm….again, WHY!?!?! The only situation I can think of where jumping in front of a train would actually save someone’s life would be if you were Hancock and were basically an indestructible god, in which case you would also be killing pretty much everyone in the front car of the train instead of the girl, you selfish douche bag.

No, no, no, no
Black, black, black and blue
Beat me 'til I'm numb
Tell the devil I said "Hey" when you get back to where you're from
Mad woman, bad woman
That's just what you are
Yeah, you'll smile in my face then rip the brakes out my car

“Mad woman, bad woman” - Eh…..here are some examples of how some great songwriters of the past have said “this woman sucks” but much, much better than mad woman, bad woman. (Im pretty Dr. Suess has actually come up with something a little deeper than this line)

“She’s a black magic woman” - Peter Green “Black Magic Woman”

“I said, baby, do you have no shame? She just looked at me, uncomprehendingly, like cows at a passing train” - Don Henley, “If Dirt Were Dollars”

“Flea brain, got a hole in her head. If she wasn't good looking, she'd be better off dead” - Gene Vincent, “Flea Brain”

And back to Bruno; maybe “you’ll smile TO my face”…because “smiling in my face” paints a Hannibal-esque picture of cutting open someones face and popping your head inside and smiling. How else would you smile “in” someone’s face? Ok, ok, Bruno, you have had dealt with enough. Go sell another 10,000,000 albums while a few secretly jealous internet bloggers make fun of your lyrics.

And now, the best part. Be prepared to sing this OUT LOUD. Don’t hum it, don’t think it. Seriously, give it your ALL. NATIONAL ANTHEM STYLE. It doesn’t matter if you are at Panera Bread or at PAX river base wasting your boss’ time by being on Facebook and reading this instead of prevent terrorist threats. Sing this aloud. Ready? Keep the original melody to the chorus and sing the following words. Loud and proud. Your day will be amazing.

I’d give myself AIDS for ya
Inject some poo in my veins for ya
I would rape David Spade for ya
You know I’d eat dirty tape for ya
Take a Dremel right into my ain
Make out with Susan Boyle’s va-jain
Yeah I would die for you baby
Why won’t you clean my doody stains?


Now that you’ve just lost your job and scared the old lady sitting next to you, write your own horrifying and ridiculous words to this chorus in the comments below!

Next Post: The post will be up to you!! Whatever song or artist get’s the most responses from YOU, the readers, I will write unmercifully about. So who is it gonna be? Black Eyed Peas? Lady Gaga? The Beibs? You pick. I’m only going for the artist that indisputably gets the most posts about so think hard!

Hey Soul Sister

Welcome fellow music lovers and haters alike!

This blog is dedicated at bringing to light what is wrong lyrics that are more and more frequently popping up in popular music. The purpose of this blog is to entertain first and to educate second. Keep in mind, I do welcome all opinions, all angles, thoughts, and words, just don’t be a little bitch when I tear your beloved artist to dangling bloody shreds. Why? Because they, of course, get the last laugh on me and you because just like Scrooge McDuck, they all get home from their awesome shows and red carpet events and dive head first into their rooms full of gold coins. They make way more money than you or I do and are way more successful, so we shouldn't have even the slightest guilt in decimating the steaming piles of shit they come up with to make those millions.

In the words of Billy Madison: “on wit’ da chlorophyll”………

Let's begin the onslaught with “Hey Soul Sister” by Train. Let’s just jump right in, shall we?

Verse one:

Your lipstick stains
On the front lobe of my
Left side brain
I knew I wouldn't forget you
And so I went and let you
Blow my mind

Pat Monahan just snuck a pretty raunchy metaphor right under the majority people’s radars. Read the verse aloud. Go ahead, I’ll wait. There are lipstick stains on his brain…why? This at first glance is a cute, funny way of saying, the subject “soul sister” has left an impression on Pat and this memory of her stays inside his brain…awwwww. Look closer. There are lipstick stains on his brain because she gave his brain a blow job. Yes. She actually “blew, or blow-jobbed” his brain and she was wearing lipstick because she stained his brain. Nice. This is actually quite a clever move, but felllating a mans cerebellum is a little awkward with a I - V - vi -IV progression and catchy pop hooks and unedited radio play at 8AM when the kiddies are listening to the radio with mom in the car on the way to school. Im pretty sure this song was on Kids Bop Volume 3 so congrats Pat, you’ve made kids sing about sex.



Your sweet moonbeam
The smell of you in every
Single dream I dream
I knew when we collided
You're the one I have decided
Who's one of my kind

Personally I have never seen a woman who had or owned a moonbeam. I have seen a woman “bathed in moonbeams” or a fair skinned woman who had soft skin, as if it was under moonbeams, but “your sweet moonbeam” to me, just paints a picture of Sailor Moon farting straight into Pat Monahans face as he let’s loose a perverted smile and sensually inhales the female moonbeam fart. Also “I knew when we collided” seems a bit strange….what are you a particle, Pat? Are you doing research at the Large Hadron Collider at Cern? Or maybe you met her by running as fast as you can with your eyes closed into a cafe in New York, in which case, ok, I see where you’re coming from. If you use a verb at the end of a rhyme scheme it’s typically one that should be completely consistent with the story. If not, maybe go for logical consistency over just hodge-podging some bullshit words to fit the rhyme scheme. Now, for the chorus.

Hey soul sister
Ain't that mister mister
On the radio stereo
The way you move ain't fair, you know
Hey soul sister
I don't wanna miss
A single thing you do
Tonight

Ok, so you, the reader should know that the “soul sister” that Pat is referring too in this song is a reference to an attractive African American woman. I get that. What I don’t get is why the hell she is listening to Mr. Mister. Have you ever heard this band, Pat? This is the whitest of the white people! 80’s synth rock, dude. The number of black people currently jamming out to Mr. Mister is roughly equivalent to the number of nuns jamming out to N.W.A. Once again, you wanted to abandon logical constancy to favor a rhyme so that super hot, drunken 20-30 women can mindlessly scream the easy-to-remember nonsense. Also - I don’t know about you but I don’t own a radio-stereo. What even is this? I think some of us had one in the 90's - 00's but it was called a Boom-Box.



I’ve left alone the last verse and bridge just for brevity’s sake and to allow you to throw in your own input about what you think sucks or even is great about the rest of the song. Ok so now that we’ve had an educational and enlightening time together, I want to present to you my favorite part of this blog. It’s the part where I turn a part of the song into an even bigger mess of nonsense. This requires you to sing, as loud as you can, original melody of the song with the new lyrics I have written. DONT READ AHEAD. Just sing. Ready? At work? Do it anyways, don’t be a bitch. SING IT LOUD. I promise, most of you will probably burst out laughing and your day will be better.

Hey Soul Sister
Go and fist my blister
Under mistletoe, you’re a hoe
Let’s shit blue pistachios
Hey soul sister
I just want to piss
a giant red kazoo
and die

Lastly I encourage you creative blokes and totties to write your own nonsense chorus in the comments below.

I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I had writing it. Stick around. Next Blog: Gorilla by Bruno Mars!

Footnote: Dylan Galvin is not a Woody-Harrelson-esque douche living in his mothers basement with no idea what he’s talking about. He has a B.F.A. Magna Cum Laude from Berklee College of Music, a songwriting contest winner and plays music full time with well known Southern Maryland band, The Piranhas.